Making up with the past

Currently, I find myself starting the last year of my academic path in psychology. Recently, in therapy, I found myself reflecting on all my experience in this trajectory, all doubts, uncertainties and insecurities I carried with me and how I got to be who I am today. It was not an easy reflection, since the mere act of remembering some moments of this part of my story already evokes some sensations of anxiety. But today, I can see these experiences as the path I needed and managed to walk at that moment for me to come where I am.

During my academic experience (and in life), I saw myself stuck in the comparison trap social. While some seemed to dominate the contents, academic life and routine easily, I felt that I needed much more effort to keep up with the rhythm. This feeling of insufficiency generated a cycle of frustration and self -extent (with which to today), as if each error was a confirmation of the thought that "I did not belong to that place." Several times I wondered, “What if I had tried another way?”, “What if I had pursued another goal?”, “What if I had done everything differently?” And if…

These so many “and if” fed a lot of rumination and uncertainty. At the time, it seemed to me that having all these doubts determined that "I was not a good student", "would not be a good professional" and "could not achieve a life that was worth being lived." Fortunately, I have realized that this narrative was just a story that my mind told, not an absolute truth. In fact, I was fused to my thoughts , unable to observe them as just what they are: thoughts.

Gradually, I come to realize a greater alignment with values that I consider important to my life, I realize that I have been able to make choices according to goals I want to achieve and are guided by these values. Of course, this does not mean that from now on I just make “right” choices and not make mistakes anymore. I just mean that I am more aware of who I am and who I want to be, that all these choices make sense according to the moment they were and are taken. The insecurities have not fully disappeared, and most likely they will never go, but I learned to live with them without allowing them to define my choices, understanding that learning is continuous and that I don't need to be perfect to move on.

As tempting as it may be, instead of spending energy thinking about what it could have been, we can ask ourselves, "Considering everything I have lived so far, how can I act aligned with what really matters to me right now?" After all, we cannot change the past, but we can choose how to move on.

Perhaps this is the true meaning of looking back without regret - making sure I made all the "right" choices, but recognizing each experience as part of the journey. How Green Day sings in the song Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) :

So take the photos

and still keep the images in your mind

Hang them on a shelf

Good health and good times

Memory Tattoos

and dead skin in trial

For what is worth it

It was worth it all the time

It is unpredictable

But in the end is the right

I hope you had the best moment of your life

In the end, all choices, hits and stumbling blocks have brought us here. And despite everything, it was our way. Perhaps it is time to stop judging what has gone through and simply move on. As difficult as this exercise is, making up with oneself has its value.

This text is authored by the CEFI Contextus - Pedro Henrique Puhl

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